Monday, May 7, 2012

Do you know??

Warning. Long post of ramblings of an overweight mom trying to figure out why she's overweight.  I am NOT stuck in the past.  I really feel like my glory days are yet to come :) just personally analyzing why I began to gain weight to begin with. I may have already written a post like this or you know this about me already, but I needed to clear my mind and write it out.  :)

Do you know WHY you are overweight if you are?? Do you know why you struggle with food if you do? someone posted that question on Twitter the other day & I keep thinking about it.

I want raise my hand and say, "I know! I know!! Because I had 3 kids in 4 years!!!" But is that really the reason? I mean honestly I was overweight before I got pregnant. I struggled with my thinking I was overweight my whole life. Which, created yo-yo dieting.  Why did I think I was fat? That I am not sure.

Can a 7th grader go on a crazy diet that makes you starve as you drink a nasty protein drink instead of eating and stick with that their whole life? Um, no.  I really feel like this was the beginning of yo-yo dieting. Once I was hungry enough, my will power became nothing and I ate anything I could get my hands on. Then the guilt. Then the, "I'll start on Monday" mentality.  I'm pretty sure most of the time my parents didn't even know I was on a "diet". 

 My thoughts of me being fat, made it a reality to me.  Just because I had hips and boobs before the other girls didn't make me fat.  Just because I always had muscular short legs didn't mean I really had thunder thighs, although that is what some boys called me (who btw swooned over my "thunder thighs" in high school..yes I had to throw that in there.) 

I know I've been talking a lot lately about when I first started to really gain weight, and it's because I'm really digging down deep to get to the root of this.  Jillian Michaels always says, "if you don't deal with the issue of why you got fat, you will just gain the weight back." So I apologize if I am boring you :)

My junior year of high school I was on independent studies.  I really excelled here, as I got almost straight A's and I went to the gym every morning of the week.  My Mom allowed me to do this, and I will always thank her for it, because as I lost weight, and I felt good about myself.
When I was a senior in high school I started working for the evil lady.  Once I graduated I started working 3-4 days a week at 11 hours a day.  Sitting all day long. Sedentary. I no longer was on the cheer leading squad. I was dating my husband, I was happy.  I was alone at work all day.  Weight came on very easy.  VERY easy. 

But then...I decided to take a chance at a dream I've always had. Yes. I was going to try out for the Oakland Raiderette's.   I began to work out, to dance again, to "train" for this try out.  I was 150 lbs when I tried out.  The very first try out was not a dance routine. It wasn't a cheer or a tumbling act.  It was, each lady going up on stage in front of a group of judges, saying their name, spelling it, giving their age and height, than slowly pivoting so the judges could look you up and down.  I choked up on stage a little. Out of 800 women that tried out o, only 40 got a call back and they only took 2 new Raiderette's.  I was really sad when I didn't even get a call back for the dance portion.  I thank God now I didn't make it. I mean really thank Him.  How different my life would have been.  I absolutely LOVE my life now and wouldn't want anything else. 

After I didn't make it, I got depressed. I threw in the towel on working out and eating right.  I quickly became 180 lbs.  My clothes didn't fit.  I went on Atkins and lost about 10 pounds. But once I had carbs again it all came back in an instant.  I was always, I mean always trying to lose weight.  Now, I really was fat. I didn't want to hang out with my friends. I didn't want to go on dates with my husband who I was dating at the time. I wanted to be alone and eat Oreo's while watching TV.  I often skipped out on events and gatherings.  This eventually led my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I to brake up Feb 6, 2005.  I was heart broken and depressed.  This was the lowest part of my life, I was only 19 years old.

I cried all day everyday, I couldn't show up to work at Nordstoms I was so heartbroken.  All I wanted was to be with Davey, to lose weight and to be happy.  But God........{Don't you love those words!}
But God had a plan for me.  He was there in the midst of this all. I had trusted Him as Saviour at 17 years old and He used this low time in my life, to show me His love. He filled that void. He comforted me. HE GAVE ME HOPE. I knew the blessed truth that He had a plan for me.  I no longer hung out with the same friends anymore, but this time it was because I was a new person.

I fully committed my life to God in my apartment while crying on my knees.  I meant every single word I prayed.  I was still in love with my husband (ex boyfriend at the time). I prayed for him with out ceasing.  I decided I needed to move away, to go to bible college for a new life.  I was so excited.  My weight wasn't the forefront of my mind anymore.  One day, Davey called me, and told me he was done with the life he had been living.  He wanted to serve Him.  What an answer to prayer!!! He became faithful to church and got close to our pastor.  Eventually he decided to go to the same bible college as me.  My reaction......"Whhhaaaatttttttt????!!!!!! Lord are YOU serious?!" I knew how hard that would be.  Us going, not dating, not knowing many people.  I had made a new BFF by now who we went off to bible college together. At the end of the summer in 2005 we all drove the 5 hours down to southern California for a new beginning. I was 184 pounds.  Davey often wanted to hang out with Vanessa and I at school since we all knew each other and we were the from the same church.  It was tough. Us three had made a group of friends and we all always hung out together. 

Long story short, the first semester was very very hard.  Girls swooned over Davey and I cried in my dorm.  Eventually I told him I couldn't be his friend because it was too hard.  He said he didn't want to lose me. That I was one of his best friends.  Unbeknown to me, this whole time he was praying about asking me to marry him.   During this time that I didn't talk with him, God confirmed that in fact, he was to marry me [big smile as I write that]. 

When we got home for Christmas break people kept saying I looked like I lost weight.  I didn't have a scale at college I don't think, and when I went home I weighed and realized I had lost 12 pounds! Score! Who would have known you'd lose weight just by eating 3 meals and a couple small snacks a day and walking to all of your classes? :) While on Christmas break, Jan 7 2006, Davey took me out to dinner to a restaurant on the beach, and asked me to marry him!!! :) I was so happy.  GOD IS SO GOOD. I really can't say that enough. If you put HIM first, He will always bless you a hundred fold. 

We set our date for August 4, 2006.  That gave me plenty of time to lose weight.  My Mom took me dress shopping right away and I picked a dress that was a size 14, but in real clothes size it was more like a 10-12.  I couldn't zip it up when I bought it.   The next few months I struggled to lose 12 pounds.  The summer of our wedding I didn't eat after 4:00pm, and I worked out every day... The day I got married, I weighed 159.5   and the dress barley zipped!! But it did. And I felt sooo good.

     
After our honeymoon (where I think I gained 10 pounds) weight kept coming on.  I was so happily married. I was learning to cook and found a love for baking.  After about 6 months of marriage I found a job, at LA Weight Loss.  I was going to be a weight loss counselor. Me!!! I loved it!! I got to do the program for free. My first weigh in, 195 pounds.  Whoa.  I had no clue I gained 35 pounds in 6 months!! I was devastated.  I did the program, and lost 14 pounds.  Than quit my job to be a stay at home wife, and finish college.  I gained 6 pounds back, and 10 months after we said "I do" we were delighted and so very happy to be expecting our first son.  I was 187 when I got pregnant. 

Oh boy... then comes the big numbers.  I am not sure why I gained so much while pregnant with Shane.  I had a wonderful easy pregnancy... I was finishing college, and I ate a lot of donuts {that could do it eh?}.  I loved to bake, and cook, and fat stuck to me like glue.  Before I knew it, I didn't recognize myself.   The day I delivered, Feb 6 2008 (yes did you notice? exactly 3 years after Davey and I broke up we had a son, what a happy day!)
 I was 244 pounds.   I guess a lot was water, because I lost 30 (plus the baby) pounds with out doing much after I had him.. Then I quickly became pregnant with Cody.  I was 6 months postpartum from Shane and weighed about 210.  I gained 44 pounds with Cody, bringing me to an all time high of 254 pounds the day I went into labor. This time, no water weight.  ALL fat. I lost 10 pounds, (Cody was 7lbs12oz) so baby and placenta, and that's it. Nice, right?  I stayed that weight until I started this in July 2010. 

I was very depressed about how big I got, so I would eat when my husband wasn't home.  It became a regular thing for me to battle my baby blues with a trip to target or walmart where I'd buy junk food.  Eating alone has always been a comfort to me.  A place where I felt free, no judgment.  Why do I feel that way?!!! It all comes down to this...................

When I was young, I THOUGHT I was fat, so I felt I had to eat in secret. Which began binging/dieting cycles. Then when I WAS fat, I certainly could not eat in front of people.  So I would eat whatever I wanted, alone.  Wow.

Pretty clear isn't it.  Me thinking I was fat when I was young, gave me unhealthy eating/dieting/binging habits which ultimately made me fat.   Why I thought I was fat is still unclear to me.

I really want my children to embrace a focus on something other than self.  I want them to have something that distracts them from any negative self image they may have.  They need an outlet that gives them confidence so they see they  have success at something.  We plan for them to do all kinds of sports, and extra curricular activities.  If I could go back in time, I would play competitive sports and throw my heart into it.  It gives self confidence while keeping a teen active. 

I am really not wanting to hit publish right now.  This is embarrassing. But this is my life.


Do you know why you are overweight? Have you figured out the root problem?


Love, The Curvy Housewife

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think your extremely brave to write this post. As for me I have some idea of why I'm overweight but currently no clue. I was losing weight very very very slowly. Moved, stayed the same... That was acceptable. Then I gained 50lb. My eating is the same. (I track it...So I'm not lying to myself. It's not the healthiest in the world but it's decent.) I'm also exercising very very regularly. (more so than my entire life) I hate to exercise. (Honestly.) So I'm really hoping it's thyroid problems. (They run in the family.) Because if it's not and exercising every day and eating halfway healthy isn't enough? Then I may just be sunk. Sorry to ramble and be depressing but well I thought you'd understand.

Life as a Convert (Khourt) said...

Wow. I agree that you are brave to post this. Ive always had some disordered eating habits. In my family I was always the "skinny one". I felt like if I didnt keep that label that I would not be myself. My highest weight was 184 when I was pregnant with my middle child. After him and all the complications I hung around 160 until I weighed myself one day. I couldnt believe how "big" I was. I was always around 120 to 130 so I sunk into some bad habits and got back down to 130.. Had my last child and did fine but lately Ive just let myself go. Ive eaten all sorts of bad stuff and havent made the attempt to straighten myself out. Ive had this whole "woe is me" feeling last year, but this year Im deteremined to get back to my happy weight.

Melissa C said...

Hang in there! I read your last post too. I don't know all the circumstances, but if you are putting on muscle, it will weigh more than fat. Have you seen the pics of people who look skinnier but weigh more than their "fatter" version of themselves? How are your clothes fitting? This is really pyscho, but I am letting you know that I do this as my own disordered self, but I measure myself almost every day. I know that is unhealthy in itself, but it helps me to keep myself on track especially when the scale doesn't seem to be going my way. For instance, if I can keep measurement in a certain area the same or going down, I know I am doing OK. I probably measure myself way too often, so maybe you want to try this every week when you do your ww so that it is consistent. Just a thought. I gained several lbs last year when I started training for triathlons for real, and it was super hard to deal with, even though I think of myself as a fit person. I had to switch to the measurement system to keep from going bonkers.

Kelly said...

Adrienne, I agree with Jillian in that if you never deal with the original reason of why you gained weight in the first place, it will come back. Funny how BL never seemed to address that on the show. And if they did, it was a 2 second clip. How fake - I can't and do not watch that show anymore. Never be ashamed of what you write on here. You are a kind, thoughtful and sweet woman. I've never read anything remotely negative on your blog. Even in this post, it's not negative. You are truly attempting to work some things out. Do you feel better now that it's published? I hope you do. :-)

Adrienne said...

Thank you all for your sweet comments :) I do feel better Kelly:)
I measured tonight & lost 2" around my stomach, so I'm very happy with that!

Kimberlynn said...

I love how brave you are Adrienne. I know it couldn't have been easy posting this. I think it's a good thing that you're digging deep and trying to understand the reasons why? I am and have been doing the same thing. It's not easy to overcome obesity, but if we're willing to do the work....and I mean ALL the work, then we can win the battle. I see that you are indeed doing the work! Hang in there my friend, you will get there. Oh, what a wonderful day that will be!

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