Thursday, September 25, 2014

I'm not fat.

It's been too long. I'm a horrible blogger. I always think to write sooner but then I don't get a chance! 

I have been maintaining my weight really well :) actually lost a pound. I'm now 185. 1 away from -60. I have been waking some with friends but not really watching my carbs :( I NEED an intervention lol!!! 

Actually I just need motivation again. Where did it go?? I know busyness took it!!!! Seriously though we are having family photos done in 5 weeks and I want to be 10-15 lbs lighter so I am going for it! 

Okay....I'm about to get a little deep here... Sorry. But negative self talk HAS TO GO. 
I totally still think if myself as 60 lbs heavier. 
I am so SO SO SO hard on myself. About everything. It actually physically wears on horrible thoughts. I think "I'm such a failure!" "I'm a pathetic mother/wife.." "I'm such a joke, look at all I have to do..." "Everyone knows you're a joke of a photographer...look at your work. You started 5 years ago, you should be so amazing by now!" (So sad...and harsh. Real thoughts people...I KNOW they are bad..but I can't stop them.) 
And when it comes to my weight it's no different. I always think "why even put on make up?! I'm so fat anyways." 

I have been practicing my photography a lot. I got a new camera and love it!!!!! While out practicing my friend took this of me for my website. 
When I got home I was like, wow...I'm not that fat. I mean YES I have plenty of fat (hello hips and stomach)... But maybe i'm close to average?? Maybe not.. Idk. :)

So again, while at tj maxx yesterday I glanced in the mirror and was surprised at how "not fat" I looked. So I snapped a photo and I said to myself "I'm NOT fat." (In my head...and i repeated it!) 
Ok I know I have 40 lbs still that need to come off, but I still think everyone sees me as 60 lbs heavier. 
I use to be confident before I gained weight.  But when I was my heaviest I literally felt like a failure at EVERYTHING because of my weight. 

Shedding weight doesn't shed the insecurities. Imagine that in ladies bible studies on Tuesday it was about what..?? Yes! Being hard on yourself (and others). I need to give myself grace..and I need to remember that the ONLY ONE that matters what they think of me is GOD. He is the only one I need affirmation from. And HE LOVES ME. It's sad, but sometimes I don't believe that ....gasp! I know... Satan is good at lying to me. Well... HIS word tells me he loves me. A LOT. So I better stop treating myself like a worthless nothing. After all...He lives in me. 
REPEAT after me. I'm not fat. {yes I have some fat!} but IM NOT FAT. 
The End. 


The Skinny on Staci said...

You look AWESOME! Your closeup is gorgoeous, but even in your full body your shirt looks loose, not at all tight. You love your kids, take time for them, try to add to your household income and be thrifty. You are NOT a failure and NOT fat. :) Good luck on those 10-15!

Lisa said...

Also - that body made children - so it's also amazing!

Kelly said...

You are beautiful!!

Anonymous said...

You are very pretty. I looked at your pictures when you were at a higher weight and your still beautiful. You need to change you view of what beauty is. Your heavier picture I think is beautiful. I find curvy women to be gorgeous. I weight about 145 and 5'6" so I am not as skinny as I was in my early 20's but now married and older I am much more confident in my skin. We are trying for a baby so I am confident I will be gaining weight and I am ok with it. I want to try and always be healthy but the rest is what God gave me and it is beautful.

Tori Leslie said...

What a lovely lady and great blog you have. Glad you're blogging again now that I've found you.