Well, I really don't even know where to start. I guess I just want to get this out and get it over with.
I went to the doctor yesterday for my regular prenatal appointment. I was not even going to mention the little bleeding I had Sunday because I really thought it was no big deal, I felt fine and had absolutely no sign of miscarriage other than that, which is normal in pregnancies from time to time. But for some reason I told the doctor and he said no big deal, sometimes at 12 weeks it's hard to find the heart beat anyways, so if I can't hear it we'll do an ultrasound. Well I knew that I never had a hard time with the boys hearing their heart beats, so I was already panicked.
He tried to find the heart beat for about 5 minuets through the sound thing, but couldn't find it. I immediately started to get very worried. He took me in the ultrasound room where he did an ultrasound on top of my tummy and could see the baby but not the heart beat. At this point I just knew. He said he was going to do a vaginal ultrasound to look better. He had to call in the nurse to be there, who was very rude and was training another new nurse. So they came in and said, "Yay we get to see the baby!". I was really annoyed with them but tried to ignore it. Then after looking for several minuets he said, "I'm so sorry, I can't find the heartbeat. See, here is the baby (while showing me on the screen) and here is where the heart is, but it is not beating. I am so so sorry." I just lost it and started balling. I am 12.5 weeks along but the baby is measuring 9.5 weeks, so the doctor thinks it happened a week or two ago.
The boys were in the stroller making lots of noise obviously oblivious to what was going on, and I felt so alone and shocked and heartbroken. It all happened so fast. An hour ago I thought everything was fine, I was excited about our 3rd baby. Glad to be about done with the first trimester, and hopefully for the next trimester and looking forward to knowing the gender.
The doctor told me my options for what comes next since I haven't miscarried the baby yet, and ordered a more in depth ultrasound from an ultrasound tech. That ultrasound just confirmed what the doctor had already told me. By that time Davey had met me there, and I had an extreme headache and I felt sick to my stomach. We came home and just cried.
I keep thinking about my appointment a few weeks ago where I saw the baby and heard it's strong heart beat. I see the baby's picture on our fridge. I see my old posts on FB and Twitter about the baby and it hurts worse. We love our baby and we are so heartbroken. But our baby is with Jesus right now. I will see the baby again.
Now I just wait and hope that I miscarry naturally because I really don't want to have a D&C done, or take that pill that makes me miscarry.
I keep thinking "What if they are wrong!? What if the baby is fine and I abort my baby!" but I know in my heart they aren't wrong.
I have been getting extreme headaches for a week now and been more sick to my stomach and am getting worried that it is related. I know that having the baby inside me with no life in it can't be good for my body, so we are praying for wisdom as to what to do. If I don't miscarry naturally I will go in, and ask for one more ultrasound just to make sure, then do what the doctors recommend. Please pray for my health as I go through this.
We miss our baby terribly. It was heartbreaking to see my tough husband cry. I can't stop crying myself. I think part of the hardest part was that it was all so sudden with no real warning.
Even though my life seems so blurry and sad, confused and heartbroken right now, I know, that God's will is perfect. I trust Him with all my heart. Romans 8:28 says, "All things work together for good, to them that love God, to them that are called according to his purpose." He loves us so much, and His grace is sufficient for me. I can feel the prayers and am overwhelmed by God's comfort and grace.
"The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart ; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit." Psalm 34:18
"But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." 2 Samuel 12:23 (David speaking of his baby boy that died, he will see him in heaven one day).
I am so thankful for my God, that His plan is perfectly designed for us. "As for God, his way is perfect:" Psalm 18:30a
I am so thankful for my husband and by two beautiful healthy boys that He has blessed us with. God is good, all the time.