I was sitting at the computer Friday afternoon eating chocolate and watching the show 'Huge'. Every since the doctor's appointment on Wednesday I have been stuffing my face even when I am not hungry. I guess I am comforting myself and trying not to think about the fact that I won't have another baby in January. Food keeps me busy, and there have been plenty of snacks around.
As I watched this show for the first time I found myself thinking, "These girls are so lucky. They have never lost a baby before probably." when I felt a gush of fluid come out of me, as if my water broke. When I looked down my shorts and chair was filled with bright red blood.
I was by myself because Davey went to the store for me and took the boys. I ran to the bathroom not knowing what to do next. I was scared and horrified that I would see the baby. I will spare you all the gruesome details, but we will just say that my bathroom looked like someone was murdered. I called Davey in a shock and panic. I thought, "This is not normal! They didn't tell me this would happen! They said if I soak more than one pad an hour to call. That amount of blood would soak ten pads, no exaggeration. I had no warning, no spotting. Just a few minor contractions through out the day. When I passed what I thought was all of it, I laid in my bed crying as Davey cleaned up the mess, careful not to through away the baby if he found it. I called kaiser and they told me I could stay home as long as I didn't faint or start to bleed even more. I got up and lost so much more. "It has to be done now" we thought. So I lay on the couch and tried to rest. I could feel more coming and stronger contractions. I asked Davey to help me to the bathroom, and once again the bathroom looked like someone was slaughtered. That's when I went white, then green, according to Davey. I mumbled for him to call 911. He hesitated because he thought I just needed to lie down. I felt myself going, I wasn't sure where, just going... to sleep maybe? On the way to my bed, I fainted, even though Davey was assisting me. I could hear him calling 911, "My wife is having a miscarriage and she fainted! She has lost a lot of blood!". I opened my eyes and laid there for a couple minuets as Davey talked on the phone. I was scared, and didn't want the paramedics to find me on the floor, with no bottoms on, even though I was wrapped in a towel from the waist down. I asked Davey to help me to my bed, then to put my skirt on me. The lady on the phone told him to elevate my feet. I told Davey to go ask Ida our neighbor to come over to watch the boys, but thank God, He had already organized a person to watch the boys. Right as the ambulance got here so did Mrs. R, one of my teachers in college. She was bringing us dinner, and offered to stay with the boys. As the paramedics came in they gave me oxygen and spouted about how pale I looked. They shouted at me like I was deaf. "What's your name hon? How old are you?! What happened!? " ect. "Is there still blood in the bathroom we can look at?" They could see the streaks of blood going down my legs to my feet. "Yeah she has lost a lot of blood alright. How many times has she lost that amount sir?" "That's the third time." Davey said. "Blood clots?" asked on of the other paramedics to the one that investigated the bathroom. "Yeah, size of a softball". I think I heard that... I was going in and out, not of conscience but of reality I guess. I was so worried to leave the boys, I was scared I was dying and leaving them for good. They brought the gurney all the way to my be because when I tried to get up I almost fainted again. They loaded me on it and the two puny guys pushing and carrying me were not modest to the fact that I was heavy. The guy standing in front of me kept making faces and grunting when he would have to lift it for a slight second. Once I was in the ambulance another set of people asked me questions, one with the dreaded sound of... "How much do you weigh ma'am?" I said, "208" (knowing I probably gained 2 lbs in the 2 days from all the eating). "Perfect" he shouted back. I was too scared to be humiliated, and that was not the last time they asked me my weight. They asked me if I had diabetes or high blood pressure. I assume he thought that since I am over weight.
They gave me morphine, oxygen and an IV in the ambulance. The next ten hours where scary, sad, and hopeful all at the same time. I was hopeful only to the fact that I would be okay and this would all be over soon.
I had to lay with my head down and my feet up almost to wear I was upside down because I kept almost fainting. Stronger meds, helped the pain. Visits from friends and prayers form family and friends helped tremendously also. The boys were well taking care of the whole time. My friend Jocelyn, who had just went through this exact thing two weeks prior, picked up the boys for us and kept them over night. She also cleaned the huge bloody mess in the bathroom. I am so thankful for her and all her help.
Of course the day I was there in the ER was one of the busiest days they have ever seen. I praise God we went in an ambulance and not the car. I would have been passed out on the ER floor waiting for hours to be seen.
After 8 hours at the hospital, they finally decided to call my obgyn and ask him to come see me. Once he did he looked at the ultrasound the did a few hours before. He examined me and was able to take out the placenta which is what was keeping me from healing. After that they gave me a shot to help stop the bleeding, gave me an ultrasound in my leg to check for clots and sent us home. I was so glad to be in my bed.
The days after that have been rough both emotionally and physically. I was very weak for the first two days I was home, not even able to stand to shower with out almost fainting. Davey and I both are extremely sad that no longer will we have a third child. Well for now. I can't even think about that yet. I miss my dear baby. I am so thankful he is with the Lord in heaven. Heaven seems so much sweeter to me now, and I can't wait to meet him. We cry when we talk about how we won't know what he/she looks like, blue eyes or brown.? Blond hair? Chubby or skinny? Funny or serious? But we find comfort to know that one day we will see him and hold him.
I am hopeful and looking forward to starting to lose weight again once I recover. I want to throw all my energy into losing weight instead of eating and burring my feelings. I am thinking I want to start weight watchers. I am not sure if we can afford it, but I feel like right now I need a lot of support to stay motivated or I will go back into a depression and eating.
God's grace has been so real and so sufficient for me in this time. I know He is so good and He does everything for good. Romans 8:28. He has wrapped His arms around me and my baby and for that we are so thankful.
I keep asking myself, "what now?" I have not even really grasped the whole truth. But I know it is going to hit me soon. I will keep seeking His grace as He pulls us through this trial. Thank you all for the love and prayers. We can feel them.