Mania

These last few days have been very emotional, stressful, frustrating, and confusing days ever. Of course, it has to do with moving. We got the house in Morgan Hill, but through a series of unfortunate events, we no longer have the finances to pay first months rent and deposit. Heartbroken, I called and left them a message today saying we want the house, but need a week to figure out our finances and everything. They will most likely rent it out to someone else.

Then, the fact that we were possibly moving home brought up the fact that we were no longer pursuing the ministry as fervently as we once were. We began to pray and discuss what we thought God wanted, and we got counsel from our pastor, parents, and friends. Which led to us making a few calls to different pastor's hiring. Now we suddenly have a few options, [maybe]. What was a simple discussion to move home so I can be near family when Davey travels, brought on a real soul searching for our future. I still really want to move home and specifically into that house, but I HAVE TO TRUST GOD.

We prayed for God's will and that He would provide for us if He wanted us to move. He didn't provide, at least not yet. It's put on hold for right now, and seems God is working and I am an anxious mess.

Davey says I have these manias. When I want something, I find a way to get it. I just do. Ok fine, just say it, I'm a brat. I figure a logical way to get it. Take my bike for example. I wanted it, didn't care about getting fitted, it said it was the right size, so I got it. I thanked God for it, but when I realized it was the wrong size I was upset. I prayed for the bike but didn't listen to Him.

I have trouble being patient. I just can't wait. It's horrible. I am now aware of these manias and I really didn't think this Morgan Hill thing was one. I thought God was really in it, and maybe He is. I just need to depend on Him and not always rush and make things happen on my own and in my own timing.

I've been crying and frustrated for a few days now. I really had hoped to live close to my Mom and other family for a little while before we moved and got hired by a ministry. BUT I know, I want HIS WILL. He is all knowing. He holds the best future for us, one He picked perfect, specifically for us. And all the trials and heart aches are in His master plan.

I am hopeful, that He is working and we will be where He wants us very soon. Even if that's right here. Paul said in Philippians 4:11 "...for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Wow. What a convicting verse that is for me.

Tuesday I was so stressed and busy I didn't work out. Horrible. I know. Yesterday I was a mess, I went to the gym and really, took it out on the treadmill. I ran 7 miles. I was angry so I ran fast and hard and sweat buckets. I took relaxing walk breaks once in a while and breathed deep. It was a fun, and a great stress reliever.

Today I did Yoga and Cycle. Thankful that through all the stress I've managed to stay on track with my calories. I peaked on the scale and I am 189.6 [lowest by .2] and hoping for a little lower on Saturday. Thanks for reading all my complaints. ....... Again.

Love,
The Maniac