Thursday, June 26, 2014


It's complete and total ridiculous irony that yesterday I posted how I don't want to ever cut any foods out because that makes me want to eat that exact forbidden food and how I think that's an unhealthy mindset. So of course, last night I ended up in the ER for THE WORST...I mean worst abdominal pail I've ever been in. Worse than giving natural birth to Will. Way worse. 

No diagnoses. Not my appendix. Thank God. And I've already had my gallbladder out (remember all that?!). 

These pains started about 4 years ago, but last night was beyond tolerable. I had my gallbladder removed because we thought they were gallbladder attacks. Idk, maybe it's still related? 

I've written how when I eat too much sugar my stomach hurts badly the next day. Well we've called my tummy issues IBS. I'm so praying it's nothing serious like Crohns or something. But it could be and what I eat greatly effects everything. 

The pain is In the lower abdomen. 

Anyways, I need to find a GI doctor and get to the bottom of it. 

And, I need to just face up to the fact that I can't just eat whatever I want. Not to lose weight, not to be healthy. Because I was eating super well yesterday then we went to a BBQ and I ate several cookies instead of a hamburger. Sweets are my Kryptonite. 

DONT THINK I want to diet. I do NOT want to diet. But when it's the ER or no sugar (assuming that's it) than well I'm not gonna eat sugar. 

I'm very depressed about it all today. It was horrible and embaressing experience and HELLO....I've been blogging about losing weight for 4 years!!! I should stinken KNOW what is good for me and what MY body can and can't tolerate and I should be SKINNY by now DANG IT! 

Yes I had three pregnancies in there but for reals. I should be over all this. I'm not okay with accepting an unhealthy life. My boys and husband mean so much to me to live fat, unhappy and sick. 

I'm not sure what I'm saying. I guess I'm saying last night was a wake up call that if I keep eating as much sugar as I want to, I'm gonna end up really really sick. And sugar isn't worth it. 

Now if I see a GI doctor and he says oh you have such and such and it's not food related than okay. But for now I see the pattern and I eat too much sugar then I have pain. So grudgingly I'm cutting way back on sugar. Doing the exact thing I don't want to do (cut out a food). But sugar isn't good for anyone anyways. 

I'm pulling up my big girl panties and doing what needs to be done. 

I have been thinking all day about it, and telling myself, "this is NOT a diet".   And I still NEVER EVER want to diet again. Dieting is a mindset. And I've worked hard on changing my mind. 

I apologized to everyone last night so many times. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."  I felt like such a loser! But ya know what? Gonna dust myself off and work around it. 

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Three weeks no dieting!

I say it every post but overcoming dieting will be a long road. For instance, I'm itching to weigh myself. But I don't think I've lost weight and I don't want to feel disappointed. I have made lots of mental progress.  

I want to be wise with my words...I don't ever want to have the mentality that I'll NEVER have pizza or a brownie again. That's what I thought every diet. That thinking is the enemy. Because hello, is that true? Probably not. And all that does is make me want to eat all the pizzas and brownies in the world. 

I didn't feel that way about pizza and such on WW because you CAN eat anything. But once I over ate at a meal and knew my points were shot, I'd blow it the rest of the day. 

I ultimately want to eat good that fuels and nourishes my body. It's a process..

Ok, so no more good restrictions or quanity restrictions. 

When I quit dieting June 4, I freed myself from the chains of food! Nothing is off limits! I can eat ANYTHING I want to. Wow. Take away the deprivation and then I don't really care about any foods in particular. This is huge progress!!!! Honestly, I haven't even been eating chocolate everyday {can you believe that?}. 

So I can eat whatever I want and how much I want. Ok great. How do I lose weight? I am 70ish pounds over weight still and need/want it gone NOW, for GOOD.  

I highly recommend the book "Thin Side Out-how to have your cupcake and skinny jeans too". I don't know the name of the author right now, I'm laying down nursing Will :-)

She writes about HDE (Hunger Direct Eating). It's really been helping me. Seems simple but obviously with our busy, stressful, diet filled lives we've lost this inner "thintelegence". 

1. Wait to eat until you are hungry--recognizing true hunger. It's a gentle, hallow feeling on your stomach. 

2. STOP eating when you've had enough fuel. Your food tastes better when you are hungry, and it starts to lose it's taste as you're full. Practice this. {I have a hard time stopping when full}. 

3. Eat what you really want. And then take note of how that food makes you FEEL. {good one for me!!} 

4. Learn how to crave a walk more than a cupcake when you're feeling stressed or emotional. Wow...this one I love. But I have to really practice. She says a 10 min walk elevates your mood, clears your head, and makes you feel better. Where as if you eat the cupcake, you'll feel worse. 

I said I wasn't going to weigh myself or do anything but exercise and log all my food into MFP everyday. I've stuck to that. I love both so much! I feel empowered and yet free. 
 And right now I'm researching ways to "eat to preform". 

I stated half marathon training (well actually C25k to get me going). My last 2 body pump classes I left early because I felt so nauseous! It was horrible. And frustrating. I realized I'm not eating to fuel my work outs and I'm eating to soon before I go. I have fitness goals and I don't want to throw away all my hard work outs away in the kitchen. 

I'm trying to balance researching fuel for my body with OUT thinking of it as dieting.  More on this later. :) here's some pics! Mommy and will went on a 2 mile hole alone :) so peaceful. Don't worry there were lots of people around. 
Played soccer, raced, and pulled the boys for an hour. Good burn! 
Below was this am around 7am, just finished C25k day 1. Loved it because the lady on the app tells you when to walk and run! 

Monday, June 16, 2014

It's not all roses.

It's really depressing when you think** you're making progress then you catch a glimpse of yourself from the side in a window. Smh. I have soooo much work to do. How//why did I get here?  Thinking a lot about this lately. My husband and I would always scoff when Jillian Michael's on the biggest loser would go for the "water works show" and get contestants to cry. But honestly I'm like right there. I feel like I am finally seeing clearly. God has been helping me everyday and remembering little things as to what made me start dieting to begin with. Only going forward from here. 

I've been still going strong not dieting. Two weeks today!! Seems like longer! I'm scared to weigh myself in fear that it will mess up my mental progress. But I'm so curious. I'm still gonna wait till July 1. Then either weigh once a month or twice a month. Idk yet. 

I had a crummy work out Monday. Went to the gym for Body Pump and I'm not fond of this teacher. I mean she's good at weight lifting but I think The other teacher is better. 
I had the horrible stomach pain monday morning (probably from too much sugar//which I need to get a handle on and I'm praying daily for God's help), and then didn't feel good allll day. Just blah, and very very tired. So I left after 40 mins when she was about to do lunges. I HATE lunges. But I LOVE squats. ;-) Here I am Monday, feeling fat and like any progress I saw last week was gone. Blah. 
Tuesday i woke up early even though all four boys woke me up several times the night before for no reason! I got all ready to go run than my husband told me he had to leave early! Ugh! I could've slept lol! This week the boys have swim lessons every morning at the Y.  
I decided to take all four boys on a "run" which was really a hike/walk. It didn't go well. Way to hilly for their bikes and scooters so I ended up waiting for them a lot. 
Yes I'm wearing the same shirt as Monday. Ha! 
It was a beautiful hike though. 

I've decided to do another half marathon. I need a fitness goal, something to hold me accountable. I even thought of doing a triathlon again too. We will see... 

today started half marathon training again and I can hardly run for 2 mins. Ugh so depressing! I woke up early and went before Davey had to leave. 
I'm  Gonna do a half in Santa Barbara Nov 8. That gives me plenty of time to train and Will would just have turned one! 

I plan to sign up for a few other races in between to keep me going. And Wharf to Wharf 10k is in July! I paid for that months ago. 

There's this new hot diet called IIFYM (if it fits your macros). Idk a lot about it except it's very popular and it's basically the opposite of Paleo. Lol great definition ;) I was tempted to look it up today. I got the "new start" butterflies a little bit, but I squashed it pretty quick. I'm not for or against it at all. But I can not go there again. No more dieting for me ever again. If I want to eat a certain way, fine. But by God's grace I'll never do another "day 1" or "off day". And again please don't think I'm against those either! I just can't mentally handle that. 

what IS a diet then? Well to me, I consider a diet something that can start and stop. Like I always "started" on Monday and on vacation I was "off" of it. 

I finally realized there is no "starting over" or stopping! I log all my food no matter how much I eat! I log it into myfitnesspal app. So I go on vacation, I still log all my foods. Why not? It's OKAY that I went over. Nothing is off limits. 

If you hate logging your food than DONT! Don't count calories or do anything!! Give yourself full permission to eat whatever you want and don't ever go on a diet again. Seriously. don't really care to eat the whole buffet on the cruise because "diet starts again on Monday!" No. You eat what appeals to you, and you know if you don't eat all the cookies on the buffet table that's ok because you can have cookies when you get home if you really want them. 

I MUST sound crazy right now but that's what dieting did to me. So this new thinking is amazing. Please know I'm not talking to anyone but myself or anyone struggling with this like me. I always say it, I love WW. Love Paleo. Love clean eating. Love counting calories. I really do! So if you do that I support you. But for this yo-yo dieter--- I'm DONE dieting. 

It takes work. I have a lot of work to do and damage done to undo. Is that good grammar?? 

Anyways, thanks for dealing with my drama and long posts. :) 

Saturday, June 14, 2014

This Skirt.

I fit into a....wait for it..... Non maternity, jean, size 14 skirt!!! 6 weeks ago I was an 18/20 at Lane Bryant. 

I was ordering a skirt from old navy and I selected a size 18. I decided I better try on a skirt I have first because all mine are XL. I pulled out this jean skirt I hadn't worn since early in my pregnancy with Will, looked at the size and though "no way". Put it on, zipped it, and it fit! Here's a pic.
See, I'm very excited because even though 14 is still not where I want to be, I'm seeing results quickly!! And to think, if I were still dieting...starting stopping starting stopping I wouldn't be working out. Which is what is giving me results! 

It's been 11 days no dieting. I know I didn't lose 2 sizes in that short time but maybe 1!! I still feel really good mentally. I'm looking into calories zig zagging and I have to really watch that I don't get the diet mentality again. I've been faithful to log my food every day. It's becoming a habit that I do. I'm very happy because I know I'm not on a diet. Hard to explain. But it's kinda like when someone tells you, you should do something but the rebel in you doesn't want to because they suggested it even though it's a good idea. But if YOU thought of it yourself, then well, it's a BRILLIANT idea! Lol. 

This week in swam on Monday, Body Pump Tuesday, Wednesday I walked/ran at the park with the two littles for 47 mins
Friday Body Pump, today I rollerbladed :) these last body pump class I felt great and I thought I looked smaller. 

I SOOOOO LOVE BODY PUMP. OMGosh I feel so rad when I do it. Even though when I look at myself I'm
Like "Ah! That's scary! Gosh...I'm white. Ew my stomach." But I just look at the teacher and put all the negative thoughts away. Upped my weights both days this week. Progress :) and I'm not as sore. More progress. 

I have food issues I need to work out, but step one: I'm aware of them now. One is over eating. With out thinking I eat way passed full, and even feel sick sometimes from it. Why? I'm not totally sure. Lots of reasons I think. I eat in a hurry and don't realize I'm full until passed full, I'm use to finishing my plate and eating as much as I can because tomorrow starts the diet, and most of all, I snack while cooking/food prepping. Very bad habit! I've noticed lately that I'm not even hungry anymore when we sit down to eat because I've been snacking and tasting too much. Wow! But then I'll eat my dinner because, well, everyone else is eating and I just worked hard to make this meal. 

Gosh this stuff is embaressing to write. I KNOW millions of Americans have food issues like over eating. I mean, %60 of America isn't over weight by NOT eating. But somehow I still feel alone in these issues. Doesn't matter cause I'm putting it all out there now. I am working through them and will come out healthy. 

Praying every morning for God's help to: 1. Make good food choices 
2. Stay with in my calories 
3. To resist sugar cravings better 

I need Him. And I can't believe I've waited so long to tap into my Father's Almighty helping resources.   

Night night ladies. Thanks for reading xo 

Tuesday, June 10, 2014


It's been almost a week since I quite dieting. It's amazing what a week can do! I find myself getting a little ansy to weigh myself or to lower my calorie goal (I'm not weighing myself and I'm just logging all my food). 
I decided every morning I am going to pray for God to help me eat what He wants me to and to eat the right amount. 

I am starting to see food for what it is. Fuel. I went to the gym this morning and did 9am Body Pump. Gosh I love that class. I was finally not sore from last weeks body pump and then there I was increasing my weights! 
It was a tough class. I'm pretty sure My face looked like I was giving birth durning squats. Before I went I ate a quick bowl of oatmeal. When I got home I knew I needed something to help my muscles recover. But the baby was crying and needed to nurse so I grabbed some water and a coffee and a few vanilla wafers.  I looked at the vanilla wafers and I thought, "I don't even want these. I just worked so hard and I want to give my body some protein". 
Ah ha! I can't beleive it! My brain is changing! 
I got a little light headed while nursing Will . I think it was the hard work out and then the baby nursing I needed water and protein. So I made scrambled eggs with kale (used the food processor for the kale. Best invention for veggie haters ever), and cheese. With a piece of organic toast. I am so happy and I feel great. 
I really love the Y. I'm so thankful for the good child care they provide. I feel guilty sometimes going but than I know it's good for me to take an hour to myself and it's good for my family to have a healthy wife/mom. 
Yesterday was suppose to be an off day but I was craving some cardio. I was still sore in my quads so I decided to swim laps. It was AMAZING. Clean water, beautiful day, and I was able to do 50 laps! I couldn't really believe I did that many. I wanted to go 45 mins and that's how many laps I did in that time. 
It's so nice to de-stress. 
On Sunday my friend asked me if I have lost weight. She said I looked like I have lost a lot. Wow! Then I posted a photo to Instagram ---> follow me btw cause I post a lot on there :) and she said I look like I've lost weight and wanted to know how much! Whoo hoo! Progress is more than the scale. 
I may weigh myself July 1 and be the same number but I won't be the same as I was June 1. I'll be stronger, a little healthier, & have a better relationship with food. 

Friday, June 6, 2014

A brain change

I really feel quite amazing. I've had a brain change. I know this might seem like, "what now?" But I really feel more free and at peace with food then I can ever remember. 

I woke up the other morning and had "too many points" for breakfast and immediately I felt so mad at myself. I thought, I'm just going to throw in the towel for the whole day, why even bother? Or maybe I'll just restart again on Monday? Then I got even more mad at myself and reminding myself that I have been restarting since February.

 I prayed (and cried) and just thought all day on what this cycle is doing to me. starting, stopping, eating everything in sight so I can get it all in before I start again on Monday. This is what my dieting life is been like since I can remember (talking young girl) and it's not working. 

I recently read a book called "Thin Side Out", and it really opened my eyes to what dieting mentality does to somebody. There's actually people out there that don't have issues with food and dieting. Wow shocker. 
People that don't eat when they're not hungry and eat when hungry, stop when full and eat whatever they want. What!? 

I read that book a couple months ago but I just didn't do anything about it. I just stored the information in my brain and just thought, "that's probably not for me. I have to diet or I can't lose weight."

 My excuse was "well I don't diet when I'm pregnant and that's when I gain all the weight!" But after I really thought about it.....I thought, my whole pregnancy I'm thinking I better live it up now because soon I won't be able to eat whatever I want!!

I realize that some of you reading this might think that I sound crazy. I know this is not a normal way of thinking in regards to food, and it's very unhealthy. 

Wednesday June 4, 2014, I decided to stop dieting. I just decided that I'm not going to do anymore. I can't keep starting, stopping, starting, stopping. And I know I was successful before I had Will. I had lost almost 80 pounds. But was I really successful? Because I gained 50+ back. I kept saying "it's not a diet , it's a lifestyle!" But I didn't really believe that. And my actions showed it. 

For it to be a lifestyle, I really just have to stop dieting and change the way I think about food. I need to have a healthy relationship with food and therefore I decided to stop dieting. 

I realize it'll probably take me longer to lose weight this way, but it doesn't matter because I think this way I'll actually keep it off and I'll really make it a lifestyle change. 

I decided for the month of June 
Im not going to weigh myself, and all I'm going to do is log my food every single day into MyFitnessPal and exercise. 

I give myself freedom to eat whatever I want and as much as I want whether I'm over the points or the calories. You're probably thinking, "well that's not healthy".  But it is. Because I'm having a Brain Change. 

It's amazing what that mentality shift has done for me already. The other day I saw junior mints in the car and I immediately got a little sad, because I "couldn't have any". But then, I remembered. "Ah ha! Yes I can! I can eat them all if I want to!!!! Hahaha!!! Eh, I don't really want any right now. Maybe later."  Seriously that happened. Today at target I passed by Oreo's. For a sec I thought, "I should get those. It's Friday (cheat day) after all." Then I remembered. I can eat Oreos any day now. And I didn't REALLY want them. 

I've been going to the gym, as part of this pact. I'm gonna focus on working out, as well as logging all my food. Usually if I'm not eating right I won't work out. Because what's the point right? 

I do enjoy "me time" while I walk, run or go to the gym. But food inconsistency was keeping me from doing something I like AND that's good for me. How silly is THAT?! Now, I find that since I'm workingout hard, maybe I don't want to Blow all that hard work on a snack? Hm. 

I reluctantly explained my brain change to my husband and he said, "you're finally doing what I've always told you!" God bless him for putting up with all my "Mondays" and "this is it"'s. 

I don't even know if I'll lose any weight this month, but that's ok. I have a lot of brain/food healing to do. Please, no judgement here. I DO know I should be eating totally clean diet. I really believe this leads there. Baby steps. I  really writing this for myself, and maybe there's another mama out there feeling just like me. 

I've been faithful to track all my food and work out every day since I decided this. (Lol 3 days). I've actually been under my target calories or just above, and I have no desires to eat "forbidden" foods. 

Somehow it seems so much easier now that I took all the pressure off from a diet. Even though I AM trying to lose weight, first I have to retrain my brain. 

I have no clue if this is making sense to anyone. It makes sense to me. Lol. 

I've had so many "epiphany's" and start overs" that I thought, I should just delete my blog. Who wants to read this! But than a friend that's lost 125 lbs reminded me, that she too had to start over, and over, and over.  Everyone does. Each day is a new day. Weight watchers is amazing. I LOVE it. But I was treating it like a DIET. And that's not their fault. 

I AM NOT SAYING that everyone should stop dieting. But for ME, a girl like that has always been dieting and always gaining/losing....I need a brain change! 

I made these. I am a very visual person. And I like collecting things. 
Each day I track all day and each day I work out a quarter goes into the jar. hubby bought me these!!!! Yay! I love rollerblading! Brings me back to my kiddy days :) they were almost impossible to find in a store. And I already fell today :( it was Shane's fault. He's learning to ride his bike w no training wheels and literally pulled me down with him. It hurt.
Yesterday I did body pump (and increased my back weight!!) and then we ran/walked 3 miles last night as a family. It was beautiful and I love living by the beach! Man though I can barely sit on the toilet today my quads are on FIRE!!!! Ouchie. 
Ok, here's to no dieting. 

Monday, June 2, 2014


I don't mean to be so silent. I keep saying this...but life w 4 LO's is busy! End of school is coming, we were out of town, Memorial Day, we had family in town, then we all got the stomach flu!! Which made me miss the WW meeting weigh in. I weighed myself on my own scale and it said 206! So hm. But I was sick, so I know that's not real. Sigh. 

Anyways. Today was good. 

I made this Carrot cake smoothie. {adapted from Snack Girl} Really yummy. 1 banana, handful of baby carrots, 1 cup milk, 1tbsp honey, cinnamon and Ice. 5pp for the while thing but I had half. Gave hubby the rest. 
Confession. After Memorial Day I just got so off. We all got sick and it was like a week of sickness, cleaning you know what, ect. I am just gonna be honest and say I'm having a hard time sticking to anything. I'm so annoyed with myself. 

Today was good. One day at a time. I need to change my thinking. One day at a time. Just keep adding them in the jar and soon they add up.