It's not all roses.

It's really depressing when you think** you're making progress then you catch a glimpse of yourself from the side in a window. Smh. I have soooo much work to do. How//why did I get here?  Thinking a lot about this lately. My husband and I would always scoff when Jillian Michael's on the biggest loser would go for the "water works show" and get contestants to cry. But honestly I'm like right there. I feel like I am finally seeing clearly. God has been helping me everyday and remembering little things as to what made me start dieting to begin with. Only going forward from here. 

I've been still going strong not dieting. Two weeks today!! Seems like longer! I'm scared to weigh myself in fear that it will mess up my mental progress. But I'm so curious. I'm still gonna wait till July 1. Then either weigh once a month or twice a month. Idk yet. 

I had a crummy work out Monday. Went to the gym for Body Pump and I'm not fond of this teacher. I mean she's good at weight lifting but I think The other teacher is better. 

I had the horrible stomach pain monday morning (probably from too much sugar//which I need to get a handle on and I'm praying daily for God's help), and then didn't feel good allll day. Just blah, and very very tired. So I left after 40 mins when she was about to do lunges. I HATE lunges. But I LOVE squats. ;-) Here I am Monday, feeling fat and like any progress I saw last week was gone. Blah. 

Tuesday i woke up early even though all four boys woke me up several times the night before for no reason! I got all ready to go run than my husband told me he had to leave early! Ugh! I could've slept lol! This week the boys have swim lessons every morning at the Y.  

I decided to take all four boys on a "run" which was really a hike/walk. It didn't go well. Way to hilly for their bikes and scooters so I ended up waiting for them a lot. 

Yes I'm wearing the same shirt as Monday. Ha! 

It was a beautiful hike though. 

I've decided to do another half marathon. I need a fitness goal, something to hold me accountable. I even thought of doing a triathlon again too. We will see... 

today started half marathon training again and I can hardly run for 2 mins. Ugh so depressing! I woke up early and went before Davey had to leave. 

I'm  Gonna do a half in Santa Barbara Nov 8. That gives me plenty of time to train and Will would just have turned one! 

I plan to sign up for a few other races in between to keep me going. And Wharf to Wharf 10k is in July! I paid for that months ago. 

There's this new hot diet called IIFYM (if it fits your macros). Idk a lot about it except it's very popular and it's basically the opposite of Paleo. Lol great definition ;) I was tempted to look it up today. I got the "new start" butterflies a little bit, but I squashed it pretty quick. I'm not for or against it at all. But I can not go there again. No more dieting for me ever again. If I want to eat a certain way, fine. But by God's grace I'll never do another "day 1" or "off day". And again please don't think I'm against those either! I just can't mentally handle that. 

what IS a diet then? Well to me, I consider a diet something that can start and stop. Like I always "started" on Monday and on vacation I was "off" of it. 

I finally realized there is no "starting over" or stopping! I log all my food no matter how much I eat! I log it into myfitnesspal app. So I go on vacation, I still log all my foods. Why not? It's OKAY that I went over. Nothing is off limits. 

If you hate logging your food than DONT! Don't count calories or do anything!! Give yourself full permission to eat whatever you want and don't ever go on a diet again. Seriously. Suddenly.....you don't really care to eat the whole buffet on the cruise because "diet starts again on Monday!" No. You eat what appeals to you, and you know if you don't eat all the cookies on the buffet table that's ok because you can have cookies when you get home if you really want them. 

I MUST sound crazy right now but that's what dieting did to me. So this new thinking is amazing. Please know I'm not talking to anyone but myself or anyone struggling with this like me. I always say it, I love WW. Love Paleo. Love clean eating. Love counting calories. I really do! So if you do that I support you. But for this yo-yo dieter--- I'm DONE dieting. 

It takes work. I have a lot of work to do and damage done to undo. Is that good grammar?? 

Anyways, thanks for dealing with my drama and long posts. :)